It has been a crazy week. For the first time in two years, I am thinking about how stressful it is to be at Sciences Po. To tell you the truth, I have never felt this kind of stress until now. Not even when I was forced to sit through 5 exams in 4 days at the end of the first semester. Maybe it stems from the fact that I am at the end of my tether when it concerns grad school, or that I am simply terrified of the future and wish I could turn the clock back a couple of years. Whatever be the reason, the fact remains that I have been stressed, depressed and generally unpleasant to talk to over the last few days. Especially for those outside of Sciences Po. People in the same situation as me know exactly where the problem lies. They are as stressed and a little bit of ranting is expected. But, everyone else thinks I am going pretty much insane.
Nicola and I must be the rant queens of Sciences Po. Maybe we are too influenced by the French and see the negative side of everything. But, trust me, it is a therapeutic experience. Ranting about the unrealistic expectations professors seem to have about our term papers, about how stupid we were to leave the writing to the last 5 days, about how the coffee in the cafeteria absolutely sucks...name it and we have ranted about it. It is nice to know that there is someone who likes to rant almost as much as I do, maybe even more. On the whole, both of us enjoy our Wednesday afternoon rant time. :-)
But why exactly do I feel like ranting all the time? For the first time in life, I really feel the pressure to find a job. Of course, I can always find something I like to do. But, the question is, will I find a job that corresponds to my level of education? Why do all organisations ask for people with advanced university degrees and at least 2 years of experience? Where do I go for that experience if nobody will give me a job in the first place? To put it mildly, it is frustrating. Maybe I am just pampered. Maybe I am used to getting everything on a silver platter and expect the same this time. Maybe I just need to grow up. At least, when I was finishing my BA, I knew it was only a matter of time before I started teaching at the Alliance Francaise. Two years later, at the end of my MA French, I knew I was coming to Paris. But now? What is the future? What am I going to do? How am I going to cope? Anand tells me I am being paranoid. Maybe he is right. I don't know.
In any case, I know one thing. I am fed up of university. I have been in it for 7 years. It's time I get out and start working in the real world. And I also know that I will come back to school some day. Maybe in a year, maybe in ten. But, I know that I will never really leave school for good. I will come back, either to study, or to teach. I love school too much to let go completely.