Thursday, August 07, 2008

On marriages, love or otherwise

Ok. I know the whole world and his dog are debating the abortion issue. So, must I too? No thanks. I am not qualified to comment on either abortion or pregnancy see as I have had neither. So, let me not venture into that dangerous territory. This post by Nita, on the other hand, is something I can talk about. She wonders if love marriages are any different from arranged marriages because short-listing according to one's preferences is going to happen anyway.

Well, I agree. And I don't. Confused? Actually, I have pretty ambiguous views on the issue. Personal experience dictates that I defend love marriages passionately. No, I am not married. But I am in love. So, I can talk. Oh yes! I can. First, Nita asks if someone looking for a potential partner would not hang out at a place he/she like so that chances of meeting someone with similar tastes is greater. Well, I really don't know. Not many people are actively looking for a mate. Ok. Let me modify that statement. Not many people I know who eventually fell in love, actively looked out for a mate. It happened. To me too. You can't exactly blame me for going to work can you? That's where I met Anand. So, I am really not sure people mentally shortlist people before falling in love. If I may say so, Anand is not the kind of person I would have considered perfect 5 years ago. But once I met him, everything changed. Including the idea of perfection. So, are we filtering unsuitable candidates? I somehow doubt it.

And as far as physical attributes are concerned, I suppose it is true to a large extent. Of course everyone wants a husband who looks like George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Abhishek Bachchan, hell...I don't know. Whoever you think is good looking. I have no clue what I liked when I was in my teens. But I certainly know that that dream is nothing close to the reality I so adore today. About that teenage bit. Everyone wants the latest heartthrob as husband when they are 13. Whether they would actually marry the person, given the chance, when they are 25 is anyone's guess. And mine is, no.

Having disagreed with Nita for so long, let me say that I found that example rather amusing. She knows someone who wants a guy with a head full of hair!! Excuse me? How do you actually think so much? As far as I am concerned, if I gel well with the guy (as I certainly do with Anand), that will do. Wavelength. That's what I call it. And I have an extremely cheeky question. What would you do if the guy lost all his hair after marrying you? And developed that forbidden paunch and put on lots of weight? Ditch him? A question to ponder. :-P


Ms Cris said...

Where dating is a popular concept, you might say there is a little something in what Nita says (I havent been to her post yet). But here in India, where falling in love is an unplanned course in life and arranged marriage a planned alternative for those who dont, the whole shortlisting concept does not arise. I think.

Arun Meethale Chirakkal said...

Ha! guys with full of hair on head.
Alas! I don't stand a chance ha ha ha.

Amrutha said...

Hahaha....Arun, Anand would not have either, if I had insisted on hair... :P

Cris: Exactly. I think so too. I tried my best to resist love. Wanted to be a parents' girl. Alas, that was not to be. :P

Arun Meethale Chirakkal said...

And Amrutha you've instilled in me a ray of hope with that lol...

Amrutha said...

hehehehe.... you are welcome... not all women are so insistent... :-)

Rajkumar said...


i went through Nina's post....
even though she generalizes on a lot of things, they all hit the mark on one level or another!!!

but as amrutha pointed out and i too noticed

nobody hangs out waiting for a dream partner... May be infatuated kids??? but who has time to go sit and wait in a cafe or any other hangout???

70% or more of falling in love happens unintentionally that is the spark is unintentional, but the willingness to follow up on it and doing so is definitely intentional. Maybe Nita's suggestion takes place after the spark!!!

As for Shortlisting goes, everything we do follows one form of shortlisting or another, from the food we eat till the movie we watch.

the spark i mentioned above is also to some point happens after an unconscious shortlist!!!
we make or break our own shortlist rules in our head.

We all know love makes you crazy...
well kidding. but most of the time the spark is totally unintentional and after we fall in love the shortlisting takes form as compromises and adjustments !!!

Well just my two cents!!!

Sindhu said...

Interesting post; I enjoyed reading it. :) I think it's fair to say that people tend to hang out in areas where others like them tend to frequent (depending on age group, or gender, or interest, etc)... whether they are actively looking to fall "in love" with any of them is questionable. At the same time, single people in their twenties and also early thirties do go out with the HOPES of bumping into their potential "life partner". They might not have a checklist with them and do it up style, but it's something similar... in the sense that they will only approach (or be approached) by mutually interested individuals. But that's all in a typical setting where single people gravitate to look for other singles (such as bars, etc).

Anyway, this entry was a good read. You're lucky to have found someone on your own. :)

@lankr1ta said...

See even if we agree that shortlisting takes place, it is initial- the first thing that makes you talk to someone maybe how they look. But that over, the attraction moves to deeper things. In arranged( non-love) marriages though the whole set up for meeting someone is the relationship that will ensue. I find that comparison very funny- specially the line about"it happens in love marriages too" because it somehow follows the logic that love marriages are the model. Also it fails to take into account that "we will be friends" the concept is possible in an attraction not to be defined by the two parties, rather than in the whole setting up by family. Marriages of convenience( as opposed to marriages for love) have a lot more wrong at their very core to be compared as glibly with he latter.